Let's EAT!

Trigger Warning:

The following blog post contains language that those with disordered eating or other addiction issues might find triggering. Proceed with caution and as always, if you struggle with these things, please find help and please be gentle with yourself.

The moment I’d been desperately waiting for finally arrived mid-December. The 9-week mark. The time frame I’d been required to pass in relative convalesce before I could be safely cleared to resume my normal exercise routine post c-section. Thrilled as can be, I started this amazing postpartum recovery workout program my sister-in-law graciously purchased for me that is designed to gently and methodically move my postpartum body towards healing not weight loss.

This was key, because after finally addressing my binge eating disorder in 2018, I have learned that structuring my workout routines around positivity and choice is key, and that the language used during and after a workout is critical. Healing, strength, “feeling good in my body”, flexibility, energy, all of these are words and phrases I very consciously use to help set the tone for self-care, rather than punishment, when it comes to exercise. I do not do well with instructors or classes that push me past where I want to go, and I do not do well with instructors or classes that try to force “one more rep” out of me. This 12-week recovery plan, designed by an actual mom of 4 with a degree in postpartum exercise science, has been a perfect fit. I get to choose to use weights or not, am encouraged to take a break whenever I want, and her language is peppered with words of healing, not weight loss.

So imagine my total surprise when yesterday, cheeks red and forehead sweaty with the exertion of my week 3 Tuesday workout, I caught sight of myself in the bedroom mirror and this thought intruded, loud and unforgiving.

“I don’t know why you bother. You’ll always be a fat pig no matter how much you exercise”

Yeah, I know! Super harsh. And I imagine you, dear reader, responded in one of 3 ways when you read that.

Correction: “You are not a fat pig! You’re beautiful just the way you are!”

Comfort: “You just had a baby! Of course, your body looks and feels different. You’ll get back to your old body soon enough.”

Counterbalance: “You know what!? It’s ok to be whatever size you are. All bodies are beautiful. Let’s celebrate what an amazing machine your body is!”

I’m here to tell you that if those strategies actually worked, I wouldn’t have found myself in all those bathrooms all those times, trying to empty my stomach as quietly as possible. I know all of those things are true because I say all of those things all the time. To myself and others. It’s ineffective in a moment of crisis, and I’ll tell you why.

Because an ugly thought like that doesn’t come from my head, it comes from my wounds. And one does not talk oneself out of a wound, one simply tends to it. So here is how I tended to my wound when it showed up like it did yesterday.

Step one: I immediately removed my eyes from the mirror. Period. I was not going to give that voice, let’s call him Ed (short for eating disorder), any opportunity at all to say shit to me until I was standing in my full strength. Because to be honest, a part of me believed that bullshit and I knew I had to protect myself until I was out of harm’s way.

Step two: I started crafting this blog in my head. Not because I need all of ya’ll to rescue me with comments and encouragements a la the categories described above, but because I’ve learned that Ed only has power to humiliate me in private. The minuet I start talking about his strategies to other people out loud, he loses his power over me.

Step three: Big self-care. Big. The kids were both napping (praise GOD) so I took a bath after my workout instead of a shower. Used the really nice lotion. Washed my hair. Picked out my favorite outfit, the one that makes me feel the best but also one I know is flattering right now. Ed will often try and get me to put on an outfit that looked and felt the best at a certain time in my life, trying to tell me that if I put that on now, I will recapture how I felt then. This NEVER WORKS. He’s a lying sack of shit and he’s trying to get me to put on an outfit that looked really good 5 years ago just so he can point out how it doesn’t look the same now. Nice try sucker. This black nursing dress and rainbow belt will do just fine, thank you. I then styled my curls with intention, not in a hurry like usual. And I did all of this while NOT looking in the mirror.

Step 4: Eat something right away. Right away. And whatever I want, no questions and no restrictions. All I do is add a side salad. This is a key strategy for a couple of reasons;

First of all, I’ve learned that Ed gets me to binge by first getting me to starve. He’ll tell me I don’t deserve to eat until I’ve exercised a certain amount and then after I’ve exercised, he’ll guide me to eat some flavorless thing I don’t enjoy and then be like, “oh wow, now you’ll really shed those pounds”. By 5pm I’m starving because I did not eat enough and what I did eat was gross. Before you know it, I’ve eaten an entire pizza or a whole bag of potato chips or whatever and then he’s got me. The cycle starts again the next morning, where I don’t deserve to eat until I exercise a certain amount. It’s totally bonkers but once I shed light on that cycle, I am able to defeat it by just fucking eating something. Second of all, food is not something I earn by working out it’s something I need to survive. And eating food that tastes good or is something I crave is HUMAN and totally acceptable. I eat whatever I want and I talk to that little girl inside of me who is so susceptible to Ed that she lets him in now and then when I least expect it. I talk to her the way I would my own daughter. I tell her I’m proud of her. I tell her how strong she is. I tell her to eat up, because she’s a powerhouse who needs the calories so she can keep running the world the way she does. And I don’t make her stop until she’s satisfied.

By 3pm I was able to look in the mirror and see myself properly again. And I tell you all of this now simply to say; create a protocol for yourself. Whatever your achilles heel is, and we all have one, create a protocol when you are solid for what you will do when you are weak. This protocol took me several attempts and several therapy sessions, both with a professional and with close friends, to lock down. No matter how together I may seem, how self-confident and self-assured, it is still this easy to take me out when I’m low.

And if you struggle with any thoughts like the ones I’ve just described, you are not alone. Ed has found his way into many of our lives and the more we talk about it, the more he loses his power.

Love ya’ll

p.s. OH! A new “Notes from the Underground” podcast dropped on Tuesday. There is definitely a NSFW element to the podcast so listener beware. Not appropriate for young children or pearl clutchers.